they say that obstacles only make you stronger. but what happens when you come to a dead end? what happens when the road ends abruptly, despite the long journey? what happens when you lose the only thing that has defined your entire life?
i do not know.
all i know is, i have to keep on going. i have to survive. i cant allow myself to fall into the darkness once again, however tempting. i will live, despite losing everything i once had.
i am slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that despite everything, despite all that i am willing to give up, i will have to walk away.
why do they tell us fairy tales only to give us false hope for our future?
why do dreams exist, when in reality, even if dreams do come true, they ultimately come to an end and shatter your heart.
why do they tell you to believe in hope, and to wish upon a star?
why do they even say that there will be a rainbow after the rain?
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i know that i will still survive after walking away. but the life that i will lead, will not be the life that i will be happy with.
maybe i brought this all upon myself. maybe i should not have walked away years ago. when i left, i wanted to escape the simple life. i was fighting against being a drone. years later, i craved the simplicity of that lifestyle. but i have come to realize that as much as i see the beauty and joy of the simple lifestyle, i will never be content. i will never be satisfied. i have seen too much, and learnt too much, to ever be happy with just earning an income, and coming home to watch tv.
i ran away, only to come back and find myself unable to fit into the box.
i know that i will just simply have to deal. because no one cares, no one else is hurting except for me. i just have to try to be strong. and i know now, that the only person i can ever depend on is myself.
i do not know whether to make a clean break, or continue trying. or persisting to have some sort of connection.
this hurts. because i have already given up so much. the only reason why i kept running and running and living all these years, was to be able to do this.
yet.
all for nothing.
i know that its not “nothing” but yet, tell me, whats the point of having memories when it only makes the present harder to live?
maybe dreams arent everything.
of course i am mad. of course i am fuming with frustration and jealousy and utter rage. why let me taste the sweetness, before you took everything away? i worked so hard, i gave up so much, but yet i never minded a single bit. i tolerated everything, because i thought that this would be worth it. it is worth it, i am still willing to give up everything, everything i have, just to continue being in the tower. i even realised that the institution and the standards do not matter. as long as i am able to do this, it doesnt matter where.
but yet, i have to walk away. i have to give this all up. i just want one chance. one simple chance to prove my worth. i just need someone to give me one small chance.
i truly gave so much up.
i dun want to turn my back. i dun want to say, if you dont want me, its your loss. because i know that at the end of the day, i am the only one who cares. i am the only one who feels the loss.
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if i could turn back the hands of time, i rather not have all this. i would have chosen differently. because i rather not know the sweetness. i rather not live having the memories. i rather, always be aimless and lost. i rather, be able to lead a simple life.
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it hurts. it hurts so much.
and you know what hurts most? having to go through this all by myself, without anyone understanding how i feel. without anyone caring how much it hurts to have to give up the one thing that has defined your life since you were 6. its like giving up your identity, the very thing that makes you who you are, and that gives you purpose to live each day and tolerate everything else in life.
2010 has come to an end.
overall, this has been a good year.
1. i finally finished the journey that i have been on for the last 5 years. i finally reached the finishing line and let go.
2. i relocated back home. a change in lifestyle and perspective. i do not know if i made the right move, but i am determined to make the best out of it. home is where the heart is. and my family and some of my friends are here. after so many years, my family and i are on good terms. i am thankful for my parents because they stood by me through thick and thin.
3. while i love the people in my life, i am also keen to start a new journey. i want to keep the passion in me burning, and my passion is for academia. i can feel the light flickering, and i can feel the dream leaving me behind. all i ask for, is just one chance. one shot. and i will give this new journey my all. i know that i cannot sit around waiting forever, and sooner or later, i will have to give this dream up. one more month before i officially close the door. a lot can happen within this month. but nothing can happen too. i am afraid of the day where i have to leave this world behind and walk away. it is definitely not by choice, but i have to be realistic. maybe, this was always meant to be a dream that i once lived. a dream that i will just have to look back upon. a dream filled with distant memories.
4. i finally was given the chance to stand still and breathe. for once in my life, i can actually wake up and not feel a single tinge of work-guilt. for once, i can enjoy the time i have with my family and friends. for once i can lie in bed and read fiction. for once, i can walk around the city with a skip in my step. i am grateful for this time to breathe. but my brain and even my heart and soul are growing restless. i want to work hard again, i want to keep my passion brightly lit. i want to have the chance to use what i have, to bless others.
5. this year, i realized that, it doesnt matter where you are, and how far your friends are. technology has def bridged many gaps. and i am immensely grateful for the friends that i have. the final week of 2010 was a good blessed one. to be able to catch up with old friends. and to just jump spontaneously and naturally into conversation and not feel awkward. thats what true and real friendship is. i am thankful for the few good friends i have. i am not a social butterfly but i know that the true friends i have, are rare gems. and i will try my best to maintain the friendships. and this year, i was able to truly focus on them, when we meet or talk. i am finally able to sit in a cafe and laugh with a good friend. i am finally able to focus on them. i am finally able to give them the attention and love and care that they deserve. no more work shadows looming over us. and they have blessed me tremendously as well. to receive a text message from NY when i submitted… to have B edit my chapters for me despite being sick… to spend NYE having lunch and drinks with S by the river catching up…. and to virtual chat with friends overseas, and to have them send pictures of their life and well wishes… simply amazing.
6. this year, i decided to open up my heart again. over the years, i have learnt to be contented with my own company and to be self-sufficient. i do like having time to myself, and by myself. but i am learning to let the walls come crashing down. you have to give others a chance, you have to let them into your hearts. maybe, maybe the friendship may not work out, but at least you tried. and i know that i have countless precious memories to fall back on. yes, it hurts when friends drift away and when the bond simply does not work out right. but i am learning. i am learning to let go and embrace life.
7. this year, i realized that i am actually proud of some bits of myself. i am happy that i am somewhat self-sufficient. i do not simply fall for any guy, or accept any guy. maybe i have high expectations, but it takes a lot to make my heart skip a beat. there are perhaps less than 5 guys who have ever made me swoon, let alone fall head over heels. i believe that happiness is in my own hands, and i have to grab hold of my own life. i am not willing to tie myself down to any guy, not because i have high expectations, but because i believe that i have two hands, two feet, one active brain and a beating heart. i am capable of carving out a niche for myself. i am not willing to settle. i am ready to settle down, but not to simply settle. i see some of my friends settling for guys, and i know that they deserve better. not because i am biased towards my friends, but because i know that we girls should not just settle. but i get why they settle. sometimes, during weak moments, i too feel the age and social pressure. but, at the end of the day, i am not willing to just settle for anyone.
8. i am determined to be brave though, and give love a chance if love comes knocking on my door. if i am indeed one of the lucky ones, and love comes knocking, then i will be brave and fall. let go and fall. i will give myself a chance to love someone, to care for someone and to hold his hand when the rain falls. i learnt my lesson. love is a two-way street. once, i thought that being loved was the greatest gift of all. but then, i learnt (through the hard way), that its not enough for me. i have to love the person back. the person has to matter to me. i have to care for him. i know that i have one big passion in my life, and i often get consumed and overwhelmed by it. thats why i need to fall passionately in love with him. or else, he will simply fade into my background and be second place. even my students will come before him. that is not the way, and thats why, i cant just simply settle. he needs to be in my heart, so that i will give him the attention, love and care that he deserves. and i know that i have to give myself a chance to be loved as well.
Life has been an absolute blur of late, i am feeling uninspired academically, and i really need the academic stimulation to get my spark back.
But, i cant complain, because i am very blessed to be back with a family who has, and is, always there for me.
sometimes, i feel like i am chasing a hopeless, pointless dream. i know that i want this. i do. ultimately, i love this ivory tower. i miss it, and absence does make the heart grow fonder. but, slowly, i feel as though my chances are diminishing, and the half-empty cup is slowly becoming empty.
all i can say is,
too little too late. and i have far too much pride and too little hope in me to ever want to rescue the past.
this city is tinged with poignant memories. stained with moments that i have long forgotten or buried away. plastered with the moments of truth, awakening, and growing up. and when i walk through this city for what will soon be the last time, i can still hear the faint echoes of my giggles, of my sobbing, and of my deep breaths.
this is the city where i “grew up.” tonight i remember it as the nostalgic city where i fell in love, and where my heart got broken into a thousand splinters.
this is the city where i first met two guys, which made my heart turn cartwheels and my stomach topsy turvy. the second one, i still remember how he charmed his way into my heart. i remember the many conversations we had – about theory, about music, about life, and about how we grew up. so many possibilities, high hopes and dashed ones too.
i know that we belong to two different worlds. two different planets that were always meant to orbit in two separate and differing paths. but, deep down inside, i also know that, if you came up to me now, if you asked me to let you back into my heart, i would not hesitate. simply because, you never left. because you, after all these years, are still able to win my admiration. and very little people, impress me. but you, you embody all that i wanted to be. you still believe in the very world that we were both trying to climb into, when we first met. you still have that passion, that burning fire.
maybe, its not you that i actually am thinking about. rather, it is the visions and ideals that you carry. because my flame was extinguished a long time ago. yes, i still love this world that we both once wanted so badly. but, i no longer view it as my one and only destiny. i scoff and scorn at you thinking that we are still able to change the world and make a difference.
deep down inside, i long for that simplicity. i crave and pine for that girl that you once shared deep and long conversations with about the ivory tower and about music and fashion and everything under the sun. i wish that all the cynicism in me could be washed and scrubbed away. and mostly, i want to believe that i do deserve to be in this ivory tower. i long to feel secure again, and as though i am making a difference.
and this is why, tonight, i want to crash into your long gangly arms, and bony chest, and feel your heart beating next to mine. to hold hands and escape this harsh reality. into the warmth and safety of that little niche corner that you have carved for yourself in the tower.
its slowly hitting me, like a piercing stab in the heart, that i will soon leave this place for good.
i have no regrets, i have no doubt that this return, is inevitable. there is a certainty in my heart that this is my choice, and it is a choice that i am willing to undertake.
however, to see my life here, being packed up in boxes, to know that my days here are running short, and that soon it will be the last time that i will ever sleep on this bed, and wake up to this view…. my heart aches. it aches with a sadness, full of fond and non-retrievable memories.
i do not wish to extend my stay here, because we all have to move on. journeys, do come to an end. paths do hit walls, and we can never rewind or turn back.
i will not retract my choice, i will just have to harden my heart and move on. because i still have one more journey to complete, one more race to finish. the finishing line is finally in sight, and i need to keep sprinting.
but, my heart is definitely broken. because, i will have to leave behind so much, and move on to an unknown future.
我很确定不远远方, 会有我爱的天堂.
tonight i remember why i once fell for him.
he was born for this path. and after all these years, he is still passionate for it. his eyes still burn bright, and he truly believes that what he is doing, will make a difference in this world. theory is so much a part of him, that every second sentence is about theory.
and yes, tonight, my heart did flutter. because while i have long grown disillusioned and cynical about the ivory tower, he is still standing by everything we once believed in. he still has that drive, that determination, and mostly, that passion. that true, unshaking, undivided love for this world.
and while i may mock him for being delusional, narrow-minded, and wankerish, i admire him. i respect him because he has stood by this love, all this while. unwaveringly.
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今晚，你又贏了我的崇拜。
我想起當年的我們。
好想念當年的阳光， 當年的愛。
最想年當年的熱心。
你， 再一次讓我的心跳。
因為， 我是多麼希望， 我能佣有你的熱心，你對這个世界的信心。。
和
我承認。。。
我是有點后悔， 為什麼當年， 我們沒有勇氣在一起。
這， 真的是我想要的那片天空嗎？
this is a question i struggle with, everyday. especially when, things keep going awry, and little dramas keep popping up to dishearten, to distract, and to depress.
if i am really meant to do this, surely, surely i would not have to bottle up so much misery and way too much stress?
yes, there is no doubt that there are aspects of this life, that i love. and when i am doing them, its as though everything makes absolute sense, and i somehow feel as though, this is the very reason and very core of my existence.
but, those moments, are fleeting. and the negative stuff, outweighs them.
and the sacrifices, and the misery that i cause the ones i love, are far far far too much.
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is this really what i am meant to do? if it is, surely it should not harm others? and i know that the things/ones you love, will bring the most misery. but surely, it should not cause misery 98% of the time?
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and if this is all a test, all a test of my determination and faith and strength, why is there not a single moment of respite? why has it been uphill all the way?
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and if this is really the path i am to undertake, surely it should make me a better person? surely, it should not cause heightened insecurity and downward spirals into darkness?
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maybe, i just need to find the courage to say stop. and get out.
but before then, i know that i have to complete this path. no matter what. i just have. its too much, too far. and also, sadly, too little, too late.
