i have never been someone who is happy with herself. i am also never someone who would have thought of herself as having a defined identity with particular characteristics. also, it took me years to be comfortable with my own company.
but lately, i have come to realize that despite everything, despite how flawed i am, despite how imperfect my life may seem, despite how much i struggle with life, i wouldnt trade lives with most people. at the end of the day, i would still rather be me.
which is completely bizarre.
to think that i rather be me? and that i dont actually envy my sister, who has the supposed perfect life: a stable job, a growing bank account, a steady relationship, a slim figure, plans to get married etc. whose only concerns revolve around her next purchase, and her stocks and shares.
its strange. because on paper, she has everything most people would want. but yet, i would rather stay me. whose future is undefined and up in the air. and this choice is completely perplexing and exasperating. because it simply does not make logical sense.
its not about comparing myself to others, but when i see and hear about the way people live, i get this startling realization, that i rather be me. despite everything.
我雖然不完美
可是我還是要做自己
箭箭單單 的 做自己
–
and maybe this is what they call contentment. maybe i am finally on my way there. because despite everything, i am unable to see myself wanting to switch lives, or be someone else.
and this might seem trivial, or insignificant, but for me, its a huge leap, a tremendous progression. for me, to realize that there can be no comparisons. that at the end of the day, no matter what, no matter how imperfect i am, no matter how much i struggle with living, i would still rather be me.
this realization, confounds me. and terrifies me. because its a new feeling. so new that i have yet to comprehend it. and accept it completely.
