my drug of choice

i would give everything up, just to do this for the rest of my life.

this is what i really really want to do. its never been clearer, and i have never been surer. despite how it overwhelms me, and takes over every single part of me and my life, i would still choose to do this.

because its simply amazing – to be a part of someone’s learning process. to witness first hand, and to be a part of someone, finding out something about the world…. to see them thinking, and processing what has just been said. to hear them ask questions, and to ask for a clarification of an idea. that, to me is everything that life is.

i really really would…. want to do this for the rest of my life. and its an opportunity that i will cherish, every single day. i will always remind myself that not everyone gets to do this. not everyone will figure out what they love, and actually get to do what they love for the rest of their lives.

–

To me, class has been going relatively well. they actually seem as though they want to learn, or at least listen. its simply amazing. i feel sad that i will not get to know each one of them personally, but thats the drawback of having more than 100 students in one tutorial class. and to teach them everything they need to do in 10 short days.

the students are sweet. they seem like they have accepted me into their hearts – or at least they are willing to give me a chance.

–

if i could do this for the rest of my life – i would be willing to give everything else up.

nothing matters more than this.

 

心跳

this is what i want.

yes, i have never been more certain about anything. and i have never wanted this so much. i know that when i was inside the tower, there were times when i just wanted out. but those were the times when i was not teaching.

yesterday was the start of a new course.

being back, is surreal. but sometimes i feel as though i never left, because the work comes so naturally now. i still get the jitters, i still feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety and worry, but i have come to accept that these negative emotions are simply a part of me. because when i care about something so so much, i want things to work out so badly and the stress is simply part of the parcel. i know that i still have a long way to go, and confidence is something i need to work on.

but,

generally i know that i can do a good job. because i am willing to work hard. and i want to give so much to the students.

because at the end of the day, the students are what counts. it doesnt matter whether i have to deal with office/work politics and i have to work with pompous incumbents, it doesnt matter. at the end of the day, the students are why i want to do this. and they really make or break my day.

yesterday they clapped for me. i cant figure the reason out, but it still means so much to me. so much that i want to do more for them, give more.

and today, when we were going through the concepts, and they volunteered examples, and some even came up to me to clarify their thoughts….  those are the best moments. to be a part of someone’s learning process. to be a part of that eureka moment and to see the light in their eyes. even to just see them thinking, and trying to process what u just told them. these tiny moments, are the bright shooting stars in my life. they make me feel as though i am at the center of the universe – i know why i am here, i know that this is the purpose and passion of my life. those moments are the brief burning sparks of fire that melt my heart. they are the heartbeats.

this is why i dont want to walk away. because i have always known that this is what i want to do.  this is not simply just a job. this is my life. everything i have been living for. and its not just about imparting and sharing with them the knowledge that i have attained, its about being there for them, no matter how briefly. i remember when i was 7, i knew that i wanted to be a teacher, simply because i wanted to let every child know that it doesnt matter where you come from and what you have or lack. just go to school, and i will be there to give you a smile and shower you with my attention and care. i still want to be that person. more so, than ever. because at the end of it all, it really is, all about the students. it doesnt matter how much i work, it doesnt matter how much prep i have done. at the end, you can only do your very best, and its up to them to let you into their hearts. they have to accept you into their lives, or else nothing you do or say will ever get through to them. they have to accept you to want to listen to you. it really is, up to them.

–

i just need one shot. one chance and i really am willing to do this all my life. this is truly my everything.

this is why i dont ever want to walk away. but i know that my time is running out, and i am almost at the exit.

 

這就是我的完美世界

“The ‘lived experience’ of theory is that it is taught to human subjects” (Angela McRobbie 1999: 83)

–

i love teaching. for me, that is the sole reason that drives research. i never saw the point of a life dedicated to pure research. at least not for me. the research needs to be read, needs to be shared. thats the very purpose of knowledge. and of education.

i want to teach. i want to be able to teach subjects that will let my students realize the very significance of their everyday lives. to make them realize that every life is precious, and that their own lives hold much significance and meaning. i want to teach subjects that they can relate to, and that i myself am passionate about.

i try not to think about it. but i know that at the end of the day, i still want to be in the ivory tower. my heart still beats for this dream. and i am no longer ashamed or hesitant about it. and i dont want to say good bye to this world. but, i have learnt that sometimes you just have to try your very best. and the rest, you have absolutely no control. especially since i do not want to resort to means that go against my beliefs (read: networking). so, i know that a part of me, is preparing to say good bye. preparing myself to face the day where i have to finally give up. i am still trying, i am still nurturing this tiny hope and keeping the flame alit, but in this liquid world, dreams seldom come true and reality is harsh.

我不要說再見，

但我知道

夢想不是努力就有結局

通常 心动會变成心碎

但 我不會再把心锁住

我會一置用最真誠 和最熱誠的心

一置一置愛

一置一置愛。