timing

One of my closest friends just ended her decade long relationship. he was her first and only love, and they have been together since she was 18.

And he, just ended a 7 year relationship last year as well.

–

maybe, like they said, they just grew up and apart. and somehow, they finally found the courage to end the relationships.

maybe then, there isnt just one soul mate for one person. maybe, you just have to meet someone at the right time. maybe it is all about timing.

time.

my greatest enemy.

真愛，可能只是一个无聊笑話。

–

开始总是分分钟都妙不可言
谁都以为热情它永不会减

當時，傻傻两个人笑的多甜.

我們都有自己所要的一片天空。

我們都有自己所要的一片天空。

we all have our own dreams. and we all have our own spot on the stage.

–

one of the clips shown during the concert, was one of 3 little girls. three little girls, from different families and with different personalities. but somehow fate brought them together. one day, they were drawing together, and they decided to draw out their dreams. one wanted to be a singer, but she also drew in the other two, as her companions, and as her audience. another, drew herself as a protector of the other two little girls against a monster. and the last, drew herself as a bride. the naughty “protector” then teased her, because there was no groom. the last girl then started to cry, and the other two then helped her complete her drawing by drawing themselves in, as her brides.

a simple clip. but a touching one for me.

because it also reflects my recent disagreement with my sister. my sister and i, – i have now grown accustomed to the fact that we are both simply different. we may share two loving parents, we may look alike, but, at the end of the day, we always wanted different parts of the sky.

my sister is the more realistic one. she is someone who truly does not live by her heart. for her, when we talk about life, for her, life is about achieving goals. for me, life is about passion and dreams. dreams/goals, different word, same difference? no. for her, life is about accomplishing goals like buying a house, growing her bank account, and then getting married. this also reflects how she lives life. when she talks, she does not get excited, she does not get caught up in the moment. for her, something would be worth doing, if it brought her some form of return. especially material ones.  life would also be winning competitions to her.  she is always suspicious of the real intentions of others, she is always on her guard. i think, she would be called the practical one, the realistic one, the rational one, the calm one. the detached one. in my mother’s eyes, my sister has always been the streetwise one, the one who does not get entangled in her emotions. for my father, he thinks that the reason why i struggle with living, and my sister does not, is because i am not like my sister because i always take life too seriously, i always take things too personally. but she is also the precious young baby to them, who will always be forgiven if she makes a mistake. and on paper, she would be considered as someone who has the perfect life. she probably ticks all the realistic boxes – finances, material possessions, looks, and a stable family and relationship.

this weekend, we had a slight disagreement. because it was her turn to realize that we are different. and that we want different things in life. and different things make us happy. like, she can never understand why for me, listening to a song can induce buckets of tears. why, for me, going to a concert would become a high moment in my life. why, i could wait, for hours just to get an autograph. i guess, for me, life is about heart beats. life is about chasing dreams and about emotions like love, joy, contentment and fulfillment. for me, life cannot be measured or counted. i have never thought of financial investments, or even about accumulating possessions like a house. but if i had to quantify my own life, it would be buckets of tears, pictures of rainbows amidst black skies, and air-tight containers of happy gas. for me, life is about living in a world filled with people and crossing paths with some. i used to wear my heart on the sleeve and i even truly believed that everyone had goodness in them and they would never intentionally harm or hurt me. but, i had to learn the hard way. that sometimes people simply do not cherish you as much as you cherish them. sometimes, someone will stab you in the back. sometimes, even if you have worked hard, you will still not be the winner. sometimes, people do play dirty. but, i have also come to accept that, even though bad things may happen, life is about the good, and the bad. you cant stop the bad things from happening, and i cant stop myself from crying or feeling that piercing sharp pain that aches my heart and suffocates me. but you simply have to try to let go, because you will only hurt yourself if you keep dwelling, if you cant move beyond. and you have to simply let go, because if you dont, you will never live each day with 100% passion and warmth. and you will be the only one left behind drowning in the pain of your own memories, while the rest of the world races forward. but its all right to cry, its all right to hurt, because these emotions are real. they are a part of me. it hurts, because i care. it aches because it mattered. and hopefully, the bad will also teach me how to mature into a true human being.

we can probably never completely understand why we each want different parts of the same sky but the least we can do, is to respect the difference. and appreciate the difference. because self-identity and self-recognition are also formed from difference. i believe that my parents have long accepted that they have two extremely different daughters. but for me and my sister, we are still learning how to accept the differences. i think, sometimes you simply believe that just because we have the same blood running in our veins and pumping our hearts, we would somehow be somewhat two peas in a pod. up to today, it always hits me hard, when another difference emerges. and i think this weekend, it hit my sister hard, that i am truly someone who runs on emotions. because she told me that when we talk, our emotions do not match up and it becomes a strain on both parties. because she will always remain detached, on the outside of any frenzy. just like she tells me that she can never understand why i always get played, why i am always on the losing end. why i simply never learn from past encounters of being cheated, manipulated and played. just like how when we were younger, she told me that i have no personality, because good and nice people are boring ones, with no personalities.(disclaimer: i do not think of myself as good or nice. in fact i think i often think i am the silly one, the one who always loses but is yet unable to learn how to play the game, the one who always falls down. the one who is always left behind, struggling to catch up. the one who most will not envy or will trade lives with)

but, just like the clip, even though we are all different, we are also in each other’s lives. i will always be her audience when she wants to share about her goals. i will also be the one who will stand by her, when she needs to articulate her plans and when she needs company. and i am and will always be her sister, who will be there throughout her entire life. i am also fully aware that the term ‘sister’ means nothing to her, and she has never called me sister, or 姐姐。but i will stand firm, because you cant live life expecting full returns.

–

and  the clip moved me to tears too  - because it shows that we all have our own dreams. and i have realized that these dreams are also inextricably tied to struggles , to difficulties, to pain and sacrifice and ache. the more you care about something, the more it will also hurt you. the more you want something. the more passionate you are about something, the more your heart will ache. exhaustion and fatigue and stress, are also unfortunately, part and parcel of chasing after your dream.

and thats why you need people to stand by you. thats why you need friends, you need family, and you need people whom you love, and hopefully love and care for you too. thats why i feel blessed, because i know that i have two parents who love me for who i am. and i have also been blessed enough, to have my path crossed with many angels. and i reckon i have also found my own 老婆/親姐妹。

–

我活了

我愛了

所有的，都不管了

心愛到瘋了

就好了

和因為有你們的存在，和 擁抱，我覚得很放心 很幸褔。

爱就是很简单。

love.

a part of me gave up on true love a long time ago. maybe, my broken heart has never been healed. maybe, i have not met the right guy who will cause butterflies in my stomach, and make me fall head over heels. or maybe, i am simply not one of the lucky ones, to have someone’s hand to hold as we walk down this path called life together.

because i do believe that we all have a purpose in life. a few years ago, i used to believe that everyone was meant to do something. just like i always believe that my purpose in life, is to teach. being someone who has always had this goal in mind, i could never understand how some of the people close to me, could be somewhat aimless. my sister for example. i could never understand how, she never knew what she wanted to do with her life. i could never understand how some people could simply drift along life aimlessly. but when my dream was the very thing that caused me the most misery and heart break, i realized that, maybe i had a small definition of purpose. maybe, some people are meant to be on this earth, to be the best mother. some people are meant to be someone’s best friend. some people are meant to be someone’s best girlfriend.

and that is why, i have started to give up on this idea, that i will be one of those who will be able to share her life with a so-called soul mate. because i already have a dream. no one can have everything in life. maybe i am simply not meant to be someone’s partner. but rather, i am meant to be that faceless teacher. and i know that i am, and will be happy if someone just gives me that chance to be that teacher, who will bring smiles and teach meaning to others.

but i have come to realize, that at the end of the day, just like friendship, love is a very simple thing for me. for me, you cant define or describe love. i do believe in love in first sight. just like i believe that love, is a feeling. its a deep emotion that fills your heart with bubbling joy and hope. and you simply just know, that he is the one.

but of course, love is, and can never be that simple. but for me, if i ever fall in love, i will try my best to keep it that simple. because at the end of the day, love to me, is about two people, holding hands, and facing the world together. and when i look into his eyes, i see us. and its important that i see myself in his eyes. because i never want to lose myself ever again. i once gave up everything for love. and i lost everything as well. i have since learnt that self-respect and self-identity are critical to my sense of being. being with someone is not about two worlds colliding and merging into one. rather, its about being there for each other, while we walk through our own paths in life.

because at the end of the day, love to me. is being able to be that someone who offers my hand to him, when the skies in his world become grey. it is being that someone who offers a hand, when he falls down. it is about that silent support. and in turn, for me, i dont need anything from him. i just need him to be there, when i am feeling insecure. and when i am doubting myself and doubting whether i can face another tomorrow, i just need him to be there to tell me that i am all right. i will be ok. and everything will be fine. for me, it is simply that simple.

爱就是很简单。

幸褔是自己找來的

Two wise old ladies have both recently told me that my life is naturally meant to be a difficult one. The first old lady, said that I am a good tree with strong foundations, hardy branches and the potential to grow and provide shade for all. Unfortunately I have been weathered down by countless storms. The second old lady, said that I am like a lone man riding his lone horse through a desert. But both, have told me that there will be a way out, and I must be patient and have self-confidence. The second old lady also said, that I will burst into flames like the phoenix, only because of my own inner struggles and anxieties. This is why I must have faith, and be patient.

My father has also told me that living is difficult for me, because I care too much and I don’t take life easy, like my sister. I think my parents are aware of the fact that I do struggle with life, and my life also has a tendency to be ridden with troubles and difficulties. And I know that I am very very blessed, because I have two parents who have never wavered in their love for me.

Yes, I do struggle with life. And I often fall down.

But recently, I have come to accept that falling down is part and parcel of life. And I can only learn how to deal, accept and move on. Because time and tide waits for no one. And I am determined to turn my troubles into strengths, and I am also determined to be keep trying. To keep trying to live, and to live a life that will bring love and joy to others. Because I want to live a life that is full of sincerity, and one that is bursting with passion.

Because as that second old lady said, 幸褔是自己找來的。

做自己

i have never been someone who is happy with herself. i am also never someone who would have thought of herself as having a defined identity with particular characteristics. also, it took me years to be comfortable with my own company.

but lately, i have come to realize that despite everything, despite how flawed i am, despite how imperfect my life may seem, despite how much i struggle with life, i wouldnt trade lives with most people. at the end of the day, i would still rather be me.

which is completely bizarre.

to think that i rather be me? and that i dont actually envy my sister, who has the supposed perfect life: a stable job, a growing bank account, a steady relationship,  a slim figure, plans to get married etc. whose only concerns revolve around her next purchase, and her stocks and shares.

its strange. because on paper, she has everything most people would want. but yet, i would rather stay me. whose future is undefined and up in the air. and this choice is completely perplexing and exasperating. because it simply does not make logical sense.

its not about comparing myself to others, but when i see and hear about the way people live, i get this startling realization, that i rather be me. despite everything.

我雖然不完美

可是我還是要做自己

箭箭單單 的 做自己

–

and maybe this is what they call contentment. maybe i am finally on my way there. because despite everything, i am unable to see myself wanting to switch lives, or be someone else.

and this might seem trivial, or insignificant, but for me, its a huge leap, a tremendous progression. for me, to realize that there can be no comparisons. that at the end of the day, no matter what, no matter how imperfect i am, no matter how much i struggle with living, i would still rather be me.

this realization, confounds me. and terrifies me. because its a new feeling. so new that i have yet to comprehend it. and accept it completely.

追求完美.

i have always been an extreme perfectionist. when i set my heart out to do something, no matter how small, i always feel as though i need to do it to the  best of my ability. in a way, i seek perfection from myself. 追求完美。

i am also aware of where this perfectionist streak comes from, or rather where it stems from. it comes from my own insecurities. i am someone who believes that because i am so imperfect, and because i lack intelligence, my only redeeming quality is my diligence. all i can do, is to work hard. and somehow a part of me also believes that as long as i work hard, my diligence and my passion will overcome barriers and i will be able to increase the possibility that i will actually achieve what i set out to do.

and while there is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, and i am definitely not about to change that side of me, i have also realized that… in my chase for perfection from myself, i have also, in a way, set myself up too high for failure, because unconsciously, i also want perfect results. and yes, i do get extremely disappointed when the results differ from my expectations/wants. simply put, i have made it impossible for myself to ever be contented,  to ever be happy, and to ever be 幸褔。

you see – i need to accept that, as long as i have put in my best, then – the results do not really matter as much. because i cant control what happens next. but, all i can do, is to do my best. because this is what i can do.

an apt example would be:

i can put in 100000% effort into writing a lecture. i can give my students all my time, love and energy. i am also someone who will sacrifice my sleep and all my time, just to make sure that the lecture is written properly, and i have given my students all my knowledge. and i know that i will not change. in fact i am not willing to. i know that as long as i am still breathing, and as long as i am given the opportunity to teach, i will do everything and give everything. simply, i will strive to become the best teacher ever. to write the best lecture ever. but, thats really, all i can do. because i have no control over the students’ learning and indeed they need to be willing to open up their hearts and want to listen and learn something new/different. i cant ensure that every student will learn everything, or understand even 50% of the subject content. i cant predict the quality of teaching survey results.

but, true love, and true passion, need no repayments.

and, as long as i put in my best, maybe thats all i need to do.

as long as i can teach, it does not matter where i teach, or what level i teach. as long as i have the opportunity to live out my dream, thats all it is.

i need not be the best in everyone’s eyes. as long as i do my best, i will be able to fall asleep at night, knowing that i tried my very best to do my best and give my best. whether i am truly the best, it does not matter.

dont get me wrong, why do i want to be the best? its not because i want to win, its not even because i want repayment. but rather, it really is about giving my all for my dream. its about knowing that i tried my very best, and being able to fall asleep at night, knowing that i did try.  and yes, idealistic and naive as this sounds, i really do want to be able to be a teacher who really is able to do all she can for her students. but i cant control the results. i need to really let that go. just like how i need to let my students make mistakes as well.

because, i realize that maybe i dont have to be the so-called best, to contribute and give. rather, i just need to do my best, and just give all my love. thats it. maybe life can be that simple.

i am not saying that i will not be disappointed. in fact, knowing me, i will still be disappointed if the results are not near perfect. but, i need to tell myself that its ok. and as i have come to realize, thats how you get over the bad things in life, and move on. i cant harp on past results. i need to learn to let go, or rather be able to put aside the imperfect days, and move on so that i can continue giving my all. and be focussed and sincere.

i am not saying that i should be happy with imperfect/sub-standard results, but rather i just need to stop dwelling. i need to stop harping on what i have done wrong or what i could have done better. rather i need to learn how to let go, to 放手, so that i will be able to focus on improving and focus on the present. i need to stop being caught up in what the world views as beauty and ideal, i need to not compare myself with others, especially those who have succeeded. i just need to be able to do my best. do as much as i can, and then, “let go” in a way. i cannot keep carrying the past with me. because if i do, i will not be happy. i will not be able to have the zeal to continue giving my best. i will not have that 熱心。and, i need that. i need that to live life. and in a way, to be happy. i need to let myself go in a way. to forgive myself if i make mistakes, or if i do not live up to expectations, both society and my own. because even though i have always known i am not perfect, yet, i keep expecting myself to work hard so that i can become perfect. 我要學會放过自己。

and in a way, learn to be contented with my small piece of sky. 知足. to be happy with whatever i can get. cause only that way, will i be able to attain/find 幸褔。

－－

我雖然不是世界所想的完美女人，

但至少我可以給我所有的一切，

和用最真诚的心。

不后悔， 而向前看， 向前活， 向前愛。

這樣， 我才可以佣有辛褔， 和知足。

somehow, it simply feels right.

Sometimes, you get this inner instinct, this feeling that makes you feel like… it’s just right. it simply fits. its like, your whole existence simply makes sense, and you feel like you are in the center of the world, and you see and feel purpose. and fulfilment.

i am someone who always knew what i wanted in life. unlike many children or at least, unlike many of my peers and even my sister, i never had wandering ambitions. i never jumped from dream to dream, thinking that i would be a doctor one day, and an astronaut the next. from the age of 7, i always knew what i wanted to be. and  i am fully aware, that i am blessed in that sense. and as a friend once pointed out, i am also blessed, because i have been able to chase that dream, and do what i wanted.

what amazes me, especially as another year is rapidly coming to an end, is how dreams sometimes take unexpected turns. sometimes a dream gets smaller, like a balloon deflating. or sometimes, dreams get inflated, they somehow become a longer journey to a rainbow that is higher up in the sky. for me, i do not know how, my dream, got so big. sometimes i feel like it got bigger than me, it is far too huge for me to keep a hold on. this balloon is far too slippery for me to have a firm grip. and i keep falling down in my attempts to hold on to my inflated dream.

but there are, some moments, where… despite everything, despite all the pain and failed attempts to hold on… that you know, deep down, that this is meant to be. it simply, feels right.

another melancholic post. (i promise i will return to more positive posts about fashion soon!)