too little too late

all i can say is,

too little too late. and i have far too much pride and too little hope in me to ever want to rescue the past.

回味

this city is tinged with poignant memories. stained with moments that i have long forgotten or buried away. plastered with the moments of truth, awakening, and growing up. and when i walk through this city for what will soon be the last time, i can still hear the faint echoes of my giggles, of my sobbing, and of my deep breaths.

this is the city where i “grew up.” tonight i remember it as the nostalgic city where i fell in love, and where my heart got broken into a thousand splinters.

this is the city where i first met two guys, which made my heart turn cartwheels and my stomach topsy turvy. the second one, i still remember how he charmed his way into my heart. i remember the many conversations we had – about theory, about music, about life, and about how we grew up. so many possibilities, high hopes and dashed ones too.

i know that we belong to two different worlds. two different planets that were always meant to orbit in two separate and differing paths. but, deep down inside, i also know that, if you came up to me now, if you asked me to let you back into my heart, i would not hesitate. simply because, you never left. because you, after all these years, are still able to win my admiration. and very little people, impress me. but you,  you embody all that i wanted to be. you still believe in the very world that we were both trying to climb into, when we first met. you still have that passion, that burning fire.

maybe, its not you that i actually am thinking about. rather, it is the visions and ideals that you carry. because my flame was extinguished a long time ago. yes, i still love this world that we both once wanted so badly. but, i no longer view it as my one and only destiny. i scoff and scorn at you thinking that we are still able to change the world and make a difference.

deep down inside, i long for that simplicity. i crave and pine for that girl that you once shared deep and long conversations with about the ivory tower and about music and fashion and everything under the sun. i wish that all the cynicism in me could be washed and scrubbed away. and mostly, i want to believe that i do deserve to be in this ivory tower. i long to feel secure again, and as though i am making a difference.

and this is why, tonight, i want to crash into your long gangly arms, and bony chest, and feel your heart beating next to mine. to hold hands and escape this harsh reality. into the warmth and safety of that little niche corner that you have carved for yourself in the tower.

我還記得她。

又想起你

微笑的你

太多夢想 的你

永遠離開我們的你。

－－

Our paths often cross with many others, but very seldom do two paths stay crossed and intertwined. and its even rarer, when two people decide to ensure that their paths stay crossed, or at least, their paths are heading in the same direction.

As April ends, i remember a dear friend who has gone away, to a place where our paths will never cross again. not in my current life time anyway. To many, Easter is a time of celebration. to me, Easter marks another anniversary. another year gone by, another year whereby the world has lost a bright star. not because the star fell. but because the Earth did not deserve the light of the star. the Star burned too brightly for the world to bear. Our darkness was too overwhelming, too consuming.

Yes, I remember her as a bright burning star. our paths crossed when we were 13. i remember her dark lush jet-black hair. i remember her pearly white teeth. most of all, i remember her eyes. big and round like a doll, and burning brightly with a passion for life. Til today, i still am able to picture her vividly. Unfortunately, each time the picture appears, the picture inevitably also blurs with sadness.

i remember our days together. during school, after school. the days with us playing in your princess room stand out the most. together with L, i remember us penning stories, we used to write stories. page after page. i can still see the while foolscap sheets filled with her big round words. these stories transported us away from the mundane lessons in the classroom. she was the one with the most imagination. the most creativity. the one who was best at escaping reality. i guess, maybe, she succeeded in the end. being the one who left us all behind. first. just like how, even after L and I got bored with writing stories, she still continued.

But I have no right to remember her. afterall, we lost touch years ago. somehow our paths uncrossed. this is why, my memories are often tinged with awful regret. Because i do wonder, what would have happened. what would have happened if we stayed in touch? Fate brought her and I back to the same city, and same school, the year she left all of us. what if, i was just simply braver, and initiated contact again? would it have helped? if i just simply reached out, would our paths cross again? and most importantly, would her heart still be beating today? if i knew that this would be the outcome, i would have buried all pride, i would have overlooked all pessimism, i would have ignored all the years of separation and distance and simply reached out. because that was all it would have taken: someone to check in on her. someone to walk in, before it was simply, far too late.

because at the end of the day, at the end of it all, it is our loss. it is my loss. the world, is now a darker and more hopeless cave, because it has forever lost a shining star.

–

R.

in some ways, i do miss you. but i know that the girl that i miss, is the girl who will always be 14. the girl who blessed my life with endless pearls of laughter. i can still hear your girly giggles. i can still see those pages you wrote. i remember your story of clementine. i remember how, the three of us bought the same pair of white Esprit culottes. i remember us walking down orchard road. Us, together with L: three girls, hands interlinked, eyes filled with hope. we laughed. loudly and confidently. because we thought we could conquer everything, and in our hearts, we thought we would own the world.

But,

i also remember us growing apart. Our  journey, although once wonderful, was always bound to end. because when we were 15, we started to want, and see,  different parts of the sky. as we started to grow up and see more of the world, we also started to outgrow each other.

太多的夢想

太多的希望

也許 因為太多

所以

我和你，的眼中， 終於 看见了不同的天空.

–

Maybe, it was I who got lost. Maybe it was I, who let go.

Because you are still here, in my beating heart. just like you have always been, and always will be.

–

好想你

真的好想你.

真的好想以前的我們。

天灰.

有些事 流浪过才会懂

Today the sky matched my  insides. I woke up to a cloudy day, dark grey clouds blocking out any possibilities of any sunshine. But, a few hours later, a brilliant rainbow emerged from the clouds. the arc stretched across the grey sky, radiating hope and light.

My melancholy stems from thinking too much, wondering too much, and reflecting too much. This time around, my thoughts revolve around friendship.

I have been blessed enough to experience the beauty of many true friendships. but friendship is a tricky thing. I used to believe in forever friends. I used to believe in best friends. but, in this mobile realistic world of flux and change, i have learnt that the word forever is merely a word without actual truth. i have since learnt how to appreciate each friendship for what it was/is. I have also learnt that true friends are rare, and if i have had the chance to have my paths intertwined with a true friend, even if its just for a short moment, i am the lucky one. maybe there really can be no forever.

today, i have only a few friends, which is a result of choice and reality. I have learnt that friends come, and friends go. and i think that some people enter your life, for a specific reason, and at a particular time when you need them. and more often than not, they simply leave after they have touched your lives. but, to me, they all have a special place in my heart. because i know that i am the lucky one. for being able to get to know them and to have our paths cross and intertwine.

你們永遠存在我心里

a few friendships do stand out.

one of the earliest true friendships that i had – was with J. we met in primary one and we shared two happy years of being best friends. we were simply glued to each other’s hips. to the point where our teachers had to device means and methods to separate us. i remember feeling extremely blessed because she chose me to be her best friend. out of so many other girls in the class. she stood up for me when other girls bullied me and pushed me down. i remember how, when she saw an older girl push me and i fell down with scrapped bleeding knees, she sought out the girl and gave her a talking-to. i remember her sticking out her hand, to help me up, when i accidentally fell into a drain. i remember how, we cried buckets of tears when we could not sit together, not even during recess. because of her, i could learn swimming and taste a home cooked meal. but, of course everything eventually comes to an end. i was crushed. but til today, she has a place in my heart.  two 7 year old girls, promising to be best friends forever. two girls in pigtails, playing hop scotch in the court yard together. two girls, dreaming of the possibilities the future might just bring. two girls, learning how to fight against those who were jealous. one girl standing up for the other.   one girl, sharing her lunch box with another. one girl, sharing all that she had, with the girl who had to return to an empty house. finally, we became two girls with two different paths, when she moved on, and left me behind, unable to let go, and drowning in our memories.

another friendship that stands out, like a prickly thorn, is one that taught me that sometimes some people are simply hazardous to your sense of self and being. sometimes, despite your gut feeling and in spite of how much happiness you once shared with someone, at the end of the day you were never in that person’s heart.  i met X when i was 16 going on 17. unfortunately, for her, a friend is merely someone to be made use of. she taught me how, sometimes people simply do not cherish you, for the person that you are. sometimes some people enter your life, just to exploit your trust and faith in them. our friendship sadly ended when i finally stood up, and stood my ground. i remember that particular day vividly. it was a startling revelation to me. whereby, if she was truly my friend, how could she simply do what she did? and then, i started to hear every doubt and every question that my other friends once told me. and i started to ask: if she was truly my friend: would she really make me choose between another friend and her? would she throw a tantrum when i spent time with other friends? would she constantly berate me, face to face and in front of my other friends? would she tell any guy friend that i had, to steer clear of me? would she make up lies about me to any guy i knew? would she make fun of my parents? would she ………….. from her, i learnt that when you keep giving and giving and giving, the friendship/relationship becomes tilted. and sometimes when you keep giving in, you also lose yourself in the process. i had to learn that as well, in my first relationship. that while giving is good, there must be a limit to compromising. because at the end of the day, you also have to love yourself. and be happy with yourself. how true can that person be, if he/she constantly puts you down, or says disparaging things about the things you love and the people you cherish? just like every ebb and flow, there must always be a mutual give and take.

in a similar fashion, just like how the sky is capable of both rain and shine, friends will always come and go in my life. i have yet to learn to completely accept the fact that sometimes circumstances simply do tear two people apart. but like i said, i am eternally grateful to a few people for bestowing upon me beautiful memories, however ethereal and fragile they are.

one of them is A. A came into my life, at a point where i had given up on true friendship in the tower. she was like a burst of sunshine. a fresh breath of air. our friendship was instantaneous. we simply clicked. from her, i truly learnt that nothing can stand in the way of a true bond, especially not race, skin colour, and background. but from her, just like Bel, i also learnt that sometimes two people simply click because they are thrown together into the same boat, and are doing the same thing together. and because of that, sometimes the friendship dies when one person leaves the boat and pursues a new/different path. But A. she gave me some of the most precious memories.

–

Edit: this is an unfinished entry, which i am most likely to return to, soon. but for now, i would just like to say that i am still grateful for these friendships. and life, life is also about learning how to deal with loss. to deal with sadness.

“我觉得，人生每一个阶段，都会有不一样的人走进你的生命，就好像老天爷给你的功课，你修完就毕业了。这些东西顺其自然就好，我不会去强求，也不会去责怪，因为我很感谢走进我生命里的每一个人———不管是好人还是坏人，因为他们让我体会到很多事情，让我的生命更丰富。现在面对感情的事情时，我会更成熟和理智.” – Ella  陳嘉樺.

那段真心的愛

i am clearly on this “High” emotional rollercoaster ride.

–

as part of me shrugging off the burden of regret, i have also realized that, i should not regret my first love. the first time i fell in love so deeply, and truly. and thoroughly.

because this love broke my heart, i have always viewed it with an “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” attitude. that is, if i could, i would erase that part of my life away, because i was definitely very “lowly,” very jian then.

but i realized that there is nothing to be ashamed about. rather, i should be proud of myself, because, i have truly loved someone once. and i loved him so deeply, and crazily.

那是一段箭箭單單的愛情。

I remember the first time we met. it was on the wednesday of the first week of the semester, and i actually ran into him three times that day. the first time was at the lecture theatre in the morning – where we both caught each other’s eyes, because we were both the only yellow-skins there. i remember my heart  accelerating. i guess, you would call that, love at first sight. after running into him the third time in the same day, and he actually came up to talk to me, i was determined that it was fate. simply, meant to be.

for about two and a half years – i knew that i loved him more than he loved me. it was apparent to everyone. i knew that he was fooling around with other girls as well. i lost many valuable friendships, because he did not think much of my friends. in fact, he even put me down as well, from my background, to physical appearance and even personality. he knew, he knew that he could push all my buttons, but yet, i would still love him. i accepted him for who he was. and i was wiling to do anything, give him everything. i guess, you could call this true love, because it really needed no repayments. i was simply happy, loving someone, caring for someone, and i felt blessed because he was in my life. i have not been proud of that girl i was, because i suspect that i simply lost all self-respect. and i was a planet revolving around him, my sun. i lived for his warmth, and because of his warmth. his absences were like the cold winter nights, simply dark, and unbearable. but yet, it was just that simple. i loved him. and that was it.

心碎。

i remember when he broke my heart into a thousand pieces. it was about 27 months later. while he and i both knew that he was never faithful, he actually sat me down, and told me that he believed that he liked another girl and wanted to go out with her. i knew this girl as well, and she was new to the religious institution we both attended. she was there about two weeks plus, when he told me this. i asked him why, and he simply said, because i like the way she looks.

how could he? how could he tell me, straight in the face, with a straightface, that he wanted to go out with another girl based on mere physical attraction?

my heart broke. it simply shattered into a thousand million pieces. each piece was so sharp that i could barely sleep, eat and function. the tears simply poured endlessly. i cant explain the devastation i felt. but i could really feel my chest tighten, and each breath made my broken heart ache.

and i would have never survived if i didnt have a group of amazing friends then. and if, fate didnt bring my then-supervisor into my life.

i didnt get over it that quickly of course. but i was determined to continue living.

命運好可笑 ： 我在終點 而 他回到原地。

i decided that i would move on. and did i move on. i channelled my energies elsewhere, and i also had a short fling. of course i was still upset. but i also realized that if i set my mind and heart out to accomplish something, then i will try my very best to do so. and boy was i determined to live.

but fate loves to play cruel jokes on us. just as i was comfortable with the idea of moving on, he realized that he loved me too much to let me go. and for the next  18months, he probably showered the most love on me. he was probably the best he ever was to me. and i believe that he did love me then.

he asked me for another chance, and i agreed. afterall i did love him. and i loved him for so long.

but the tables had turned. i simply could not get over how he could break my heart so directly, for a girl he barely knew. for mere physical attraction. but i tried. i tried to make things work. and i knew that we had exchanged roles, i was now the sun and he was the planet. he gave in to my whims, and he tried to his very best to offer me his care and warmth. we even went on a holiday together. he even talked about marriage.

but,

i felt empty. suffocated. unlike myself.

it simply didnt feel right.

and one morning, after 6 months of being together again, i woke up, and simply knew, that i didnt love him anymore. i probably stopped loving him the moment i decided to move on. but its hard to walk out of a life you once shared with someone, its even more difficult to walk separate paths, when the person starts to love you back, deeply and truly. it was an entangled web. the thing was, i never hated him for everything he did to me. i never went to that extreme. even when he broke my heart, all i felt was disappointment. and if i was ever angry at anyone, i was angry at myself. for putting up with so much, for so long. and for being that girl, who was willing to sacrifice friendship for a love that… perhaps never really belonged to her.  if i ever felt any negativity, it was never towards him. so, imagine that moment, when he turns around, and asked for another chance. and he did try his best to make things right.

it took me that 6 months  - to realize that once someone breaks my trust. he leaves my heart. and it took me that long, to understand that he no longer held a place in my already broken heart. and that i lost all hope, faith and love and any emotion for him.

but this part of my life ended from that morning i realized that i had stopped loving him a long time ago. there was more before final closure. but for me, that chapter of my life closed when i woke up and stared at four words: i dont love him. and trust me, for years, i couldnt accept this part of myself. how could i, stop loving someone with such finality? with such clarity? afterall i loved him passionately, and so deeply? how did my heart suddenly stop beating for him? how did my heart simply.. die? 為什麼 我會死心呢？ 我為什麼會放弃 呢？

–

解脫!

i never regretted  giving up on trying to make things work. i also do not regret not being able to continue loving him. i did try, but this love was never meant to be. if it did, it probably would not have caused both of us so much destruction and pain. and maybe, i never did enter his heart til he left mine. i know that love is never that simple, love involves compromises, and gives and takes.  but love is also not about trying to make things work. 努力就有結局. according to my sister, love is about wanting to make things work. perhaps. but what i do know, is that love should never make you lose your own sense of being, your own self-respect.

but i know now,

that while that wasnt a beautiful chapter of my life, it is still part of me. i should not want to erase it. because, afterall, i did really love him. i did truly love someone. and that is nothing to be ashamed of. instead i should embrace that side of me. that side that was able to love someone with all my heart.

我是， 真的， 真的， 愛过他。

我是真的全心全力 的愛他。

and because i freed myself, i found my wings and was able to fly higher than i ever imagined. i know that i never regretted cutting off all strings, because if i didnt, i would have remained trapped on the ground. i would not have been able to chase my dream. i would not have been able to learn, that i too, can run on my own. i too, have the strength, and the ability to carve out a piece of sky for myself.

找到自己的 翅膀

自己 創造自己想要的那片天空。