it seems that teaching that particular course, really did wonders for me.

1) it was a new challenge – teaching a group of students from a different (technical) background. but teaching is always about new challenges. i got freaked out over the thought of having to cross disciplines. until i remembered the first time i ever had to teach. and the first time i ever had to teach in a different institution and different program. we cant always stay in our comfort zones. life would be mundane. and complacency would simply overtake life.

2) i realise, that teaching, does not always have to be formal teaching. teaching comes in different forms. and maybe, maybe i have to leave this world, but it doesnt mean i have to give up teaching.

3) second realisation: i need to be around creative people. or rather, people who are constantly thinking. i think the greatest challenge about moving back here, is that you fall into old patterns and you get stuck. i think the reason why i am unhappy with my current friendships here, is because they do not inspire me to think, and to be challenged. i miss the good old days when i could simply have coffee with someone and exchange ideas. that is why i miss B, and even M. because they are the true academics in my eyes. every single conversation never fails to inspire me, or make me want to improve myself. even though i always feel inadequate and somewhat useless, but at least i was still thinking, and still learning. and for me, that is life. this constant need to have light bulbs flashing in my brain. this constant craving for knowledge. i remember when i used to be so enamored by a certain idea/theory or even quote, and i would run with it. i would build ideas and chapters simply around a simple idea. this is what i truly miss. i miss that simplicity. i remember, one of the reasons why i wanted to pursue academia was because i thought that books would be dependable. even if the world came crashing down, i could still seek solace in my books and papers. of course today i learnt (through the hard way) that life is never that simple, and you can never escape from human politics. but if i could, i would give everything to go back. sometimes i regret my choice, because i am facing a dead-end. but i know that at the end of the day, i still want this life.

4) realising all these, made me learn that.. even though i have not reached the end, even though i have not reached my destination and i have not found the rainbow, i am further along the way than i could have ever imagined, or expected. i should be proud that i have completed certain milestones in my life. even though i have not made it there, but i have achieved certain goals that do mean a lot to me. why do i always have to compare and measure myself against societal norms? in the very first place, i chose a path that no one would ever think is normal. in the very first place, i did not fit in.

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i would still give everything up, everything up, just for this life. and i know that my heart is still fighting, it still refuses to give up. i will still try, but i am not going to limit myself.

i miss so much, so much.

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life is not about waiting for the rain to stop, rather life is about dancing in the rain.

i am amazed at how they translate my classes into their own work. especially when you are working with design students – your ideas are made material.

i am inspired and my heart tingles. my fire burns and i long for the experience again.

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this is why, i choose to do what i want to do.

this is why, i will give everything up, just for this.

this is the reason why i am here, and why i exist.

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how do i walk away?

how do i give up on something that has been my everything, and is my pride and joy?

do i walk away? do i persist?

how do i know, if this is really the right path for me?

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so far, it feels more than right. it feels like the most perfect fit.

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maybe i just have to remember that, i may not have gotten there yet, but…. i am nearer to my final goal, and i am further along the way than i ever expected to be.

little bubbles of ideas trickling up to the surface – ideas for a new project.

inspired by my last teaching experience.

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this is why i love what i want to do with my life.

the incessant brain activity.

keeps me alive. keeps my fire burning bright!

i always tend to focus on the end result – but the truth is, even though i have not reached my destination, i have travelled further than i ever thought i would, or would be possible.

i am grateful. i am grateful that i have had opportunities – windows of light. and overall, i know that i have done a good job. somehow. maybe i am still not the best and i am still not at my best, but, i have come a long way. from having to regurgitate and follow someone’s material, to being in charge and being able to teach what i want to teach.and the best thing? the students. the students are becoming more responsive and that is the measure of success. because it is no point being the most theoretical and the most intelligent if the students are not receptive. the students must accept you into their hearts, and want to learn.

i know that i can do better, and i know that i still want this. at the end of the day, this is all i want. i cannot picture myself doing anything else. because this is what i truly believe in, and truly truly want to do. i will give everything up, i will dedicate every second of my life, to this.

as much as i tell myself to give up, i know that i am not giving up. something in me still wants to fight ,still wants to believe that this is still possible.

am i delusional? am i clinging onto lost hopes?

or am i fighting?

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overall, i think it went all right. Their presentations are a testament to their learning – its always an amazing experience – watching the students explain a concept that you taught them, and hearing them apply the concept(s) to an actual example. its a completely astounding experience – one that i am unable to explain or explicate. but the greatness of this experience is heightened when it comes from students doing a degree that you arent familiar with teaching.

it goes to show that all i can do is my best. all i can do is provide them the building blocks – all i can do is teach them the concepts and hope for the best. whether they want to learn, and absorb – its completely up to them. and every student learns in a different way. i cant please them all. i can only try to work with the medium that i know best, and try to relate the material to as many relevant examples as i can .

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coordinating this course almost killed me. but its an experience that i would agree to do, over and over again.

i got offered a course at the very last minute – and i have exactly one week to devise a whole new course, and prepare it from scratch. and then one week to deliver the complete course.

a thousand million details to sort out.

but.

i wouldnt have it any other way.

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of course i am anxious and stressed and extremely worried. teaching a new course to a new batch of students never fails to freak me out. but, this fear and anxiety is interlaced with excitement.

this is what i want to do. for the rest of my life. of course i would like to to be notified in advance, but nothing is perfect in this world.

life takes unexpected turns.

i know that i should give up, i know that i should walk away, because the longer i linger, the more painful my heart ache will be. but something inside of me, refuses to give up, the fire is still burning. the fire wants to burn.

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honestly, to be completely honest, i am at a loss. do i walk away? or do i keep waiting? keep persisting?

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but for now, i am grateful, i am thankful, that i have one more course to teach.

i do not know.

all i know is, i have to keep on going. i have to survive. i cant allow myself to fall into the darkness once again, however tempting. i will live, despite losing everything i once had.

why do they tell us fairy tales only to give us false hope for our future?

why do dreams exist, when in reality, even if dreams do come true, they ultimately come to an end and shatter your heart.

why do they tell you to believe in hope, and to wish upon a star?

why do they even say that there will be a rainbow after the rain?

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i know that i will still survive after walking away. but the life that i will lead, will not be the life that i will be happy with.

maybe i brought this all upon myself. maybe i should not have walked away years ago. when i left, i wanted to escape the simple life. i was fighting against being a drone. years later, i craved the simplicity of that lifestyle. but i have come to realize that as much as i see the beauty and joy of the simple lifestyle, i will never be content. i will never be satisfied. i have seen too much, and learnt too much, to ever be happy with just earning an income, and coming home to watch tv.

i ran away, only to come back and find myself unable to fit into the box.

i know that i will just simply have to deal. because no one cares, no one else is hurting except for me. i just have to try to be strong. and i know now, that the only person i can ever depend on is myself.

i do not know whether to make a clean break, or continue trying. or persisting to have some sort of connection.

this hurts. because i have already given up so much. the only reason why i kept running and running and living all these years, was to be able to do this.

yet.

all for nothing.

i know that its not “nothing” but yet, tell me, whats the point of having memories when it only makes the present harder to live?